Years and finally an Ocean

A few days ago, you mentioned about leaving Brunei for good. My response was of course tinged with a bit of sentimentality brushed with the best jokey attitude I could muster because I didn't want to break into tears before we even had dinner. But you already knew that about me, how I jest by default. I could name a hundred more who does. But it's hard being a goof especially at times when I find myself on my own. The meals I had to take alone, the decisions I had to do on my own, of how I should style my hair, of how I am to wash my own dirty laundry from now on and of how my room will only be flecked with my own strands of hair, how it's gonna bear a single guys's mess or a lonely man's stench. For once, silence becomes unbearable. How there used to be tons of things to do, things to tick off a list, songs to sing, books to read, little wonders to write about, stuff to do in order to survive the daily grind of boring routines or to distract me from these heartbreaking moments. How I never seem to find the reason to accomplish any these anymore (or yet). Then comes the loneliness, palpable, bestial, aged and familiar but of which I kept brushing aside. Today, I took a faulty turn on a block as I absent-mindedly drove to breakfast at 6:30 am. One time I switched engines the way you warn me never, ever to and as usual the car took a deathly choke and stopped in the middle of a round about. There was only your nagging voice amidst the heartspin of honkings and angry looks. They must think me insane. How many of them can figure how desperately lost I am? It took me time to press the hazzard button. It took till your nagging voice (with exclamation points) rang in my head. Because in the heart of things, love, there is you. That is why I dread this separation like I dread many things that I knew has left me empty and scarred. I dread the many things after it. But here I am, conveniently opening the door for you because that's what one does, right? How I used to watch you walk off, many a times and  how you sometimes look back with that smile that never seems to say "goodbye" or break anybody's heart but instead bore a gentleness that makes me feel the least deserving person. But how I delight at the fact that at some point, I became the reason why it grew to become sweeter and more gentle as the years walk by. There were years between us until finally an ocean had to grow within it. That the boat may travel safe and steady for you. May the seasons be gentle with you. Remember the moments when it felt like a joyous Bach counterpoint, an Elgar melody or a redeeming Beethoven symphony. Remember, remember how I loved you dearly. 

June 9, 2014